Stupid Questions Round Up!
It literally took me 30 minutes to come up with answers to these questions, the dumbest questions ever asked by anyone ever.
“Do you have a name?” Yep, but it’s no Dino.
“How did you get your smile?” This old thing?
“Do we have a chance?” There is no we.
“Did you choose that name?” Fuck. I got nothin.
Emmanuel, darling, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re totally on the wrong website. However, since you seem like a nice guy, I’ve taken it upon myself to do a little research on your email-to-wife agenda. My first suggestion would be to take your drool over to MailOrderBrides.com, part of the Global Ladies Network. Sounds sassy yet legit. Plus the stock images of pretty ladies are very enticing.
Or perhaps try your hand at SingleBrides.com. Don’t be turned off by the woman on the homepage who looks like she’s nursing a migraine (I feel you girl). I’m sure you could sooth her in no time with a few cheeky emoticons. Ooh ooh! Try this one! http://www.findyourhusbandwife.com/ There’s a little talking lady at the bottom!
You’re welcome Emmanuel, and good luck out there!
Jenna
I’m no psychiatrist but yikes.
Seriously, I think some signals have been crossed because this sounds exactly like the letter I wrote to my pen pal from summer camp back in the 6th grade. If I gave a shit I would totally go back and age-check this guy’s profile. Obviously this will not happen.
Future super-genius boyfriend,
Like a beacon of douchebag, your email really shone through amidst the cesspool of online creepers I can only hope I never meet in person. Oh and thank you for clarifying that the “army of women” you were referring to was purely metaphorical. I mean because I’m pretty dumb and for a second there I thought I’d accidentally joined the army when I signed up for this thing. Phew!
Jenna
“Sorry I’m So Dumb” Round Up.
Ahhhh, the art of online seduction. As we’ve seen, some men get creative, some get generous, and some get hilarious. But just recently I’ve spotted a new and fascinating technique in the world of internet wooing: good old fashioned ineptitude. I’ll be sure to keep you all abreast of this emerging “you’re pretty, I’m dumb” trend.
SOCIOPATHY!
What a creative idea for a first date. Romance is for the mentally stable, I always say. I’d love to lock myself in a room with perfect stranger and see what items he has waiting for me.
* “Enjoyn our items”? Do patients in mental hospitals have internet access? Just wondering.
Well this is super inconvenient, potential life partner. I totally forgot my pager back in 1993.
“I believe we may have chemistry girl.” I’m 100% sure this email was sent to me by one of the New Kids on the Block. Probably Jordan, but fingers crossed for Joey. (Joey if it’s you, call me. I have some awkward teenage fantasies for us to fulfill.)
Good evening to you, future husband!
I’m so glad you decided that the most efficient use of your time during busy season was to write me a lengthy email about nothing. We really do have so much in common. You worked and drank coffee today? Me too! You enjoy doing generic things and stuff? Me too! I used to hate vacations, but now I love them, just like you!
I know it seems as if you’ve only wasted five minutes of my life that I can never get back, but I feel like I’ve known you forever.
Hey there, anonymous internet dude. If you’re trying to make me feel cuttie, it’s working.
* So, Urban Dictionary has all sorts of colourful definitions for the word “cuttie” but I think “cuttie” is an adorable way to say “suicidal”, don’t you? Shall I compose entry #12 for Urban Dictionary?
DD needs to work on his copy/paste technique, methinks. * Also the fact that DD refers to it as “women’s personals” is skeeving me out to the point that it’s making me question this entire endeavour. DD, next time you title your giant, creepy Word document full of generic, lady-catching prose, could you please stick with the ever popular, gentle artifice of “profile” in lieu of “personals”? That is all. Kisses!
Dear Xavier,
You sound so worldly. Just wondering, do you bring along your bunny with two vaginas when you travel?
XO,
Jenna
And I’d like to introduce you to spell check.
* Either this guy was in an extreme hurry or he wholly relies on Cambridge University’s theory that we were all made well aware of via mass email forward back in 1998:
Aoccrding to a rcseareh at Cimbradge Uniservity, it deosn’t matter in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are. The olny ipmortant tihng is taht the fisrt and lsat letter be in the rhgit plcae. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can slitl raed it whtiout prolbem. Tihs is bceause the huamn mnid deos not raed erevy letetr by istelf, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Bikram, darling. What a pickle! Perhaps you could try to impress your boss with all the words you got?
